Standard (EADGBE)

 Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the

 stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the

 street from Jerry?s Bait Shop? You know the place? Well anyway, back then

 life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy? except of course

 for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me

 a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Daaaaaaaouh! Big bowl of

 my mom, I said, ?Hey mom, what?s up with all the sauerkraut?? And my dear

 sweet mother she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train.

 And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, ?It?s good for you!?

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

 and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half

 years old. That?s when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of

 that basement and travel to a magical far away place where the sun is

 always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are

 oh so fluffy, where the shriners and the lepers play their ukulele?s all

 day long and anyone on the street?ll gladly shave you?re back for a

 nickel. Wakawakadoodoo yah! Well let me tell you people, that it wasn?t

 long at all before my dream came true because the very next day a local

 radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number

 of molecules in Leonard Neroy?s butt. I was off by three but I still won

 the grand prize. That?s right a first class one-way ticket, to

A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Ah yah, you know I never

 been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell ya it was really great.

Except that I had to ist between two large Albanian women with

 excruciatingly severe body odour and the little kid in back of me kept

 throwing up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper

 and salted peanuts and the in flight movie was "Biodome" with Polly Shore.

 And oh yah three of the airplane's engines burned down and we went into a

 tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant

 fireball and everybody died! Except for me. You know why? ?Cause I had my

 train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my

 train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my

 train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position. Ah ha ha

 ha! Oh ha ha! Ahhhh. So I crawled from the twisted burnin? wreckage, I

 crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, dragging along my big

 leather suitcase, and my garment bag, and my tenor saxophone, and my

 twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky lucky autographed glow in the dark

 snorkel. But finally a arrived at the world famous ?Albuquerque Holiday

 Inn?, where the towels are oh so fluffy, and you could eat you?re soup

 right out of the ashtrays if you wanna, it?s OK their clean. Well I

 checked into my room and I turned down the AC and I turned on the spectro

 vision and I was just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

 that I love so very very much when suddenly there?s a knock on the door.

Well now who could that be? I say, ?who is it?? No answer. ?Who is it??

 There?s no answer. ?Who is it!?? They?re not saying anything, so finally I

 go over and I open the door and just as I suspected, it?s some big fat

 hermaphrodite with a flock of seagull?s haircut and only one nostril. Oh

 man I hate it when I?m right. So anyway he burst into my room and grabbes

my lucky snorkel and I?m like ?hey, you can?t have that! That snorkel has

 been just like a snorkel to me.? And he?s like ?tough? And I?m like ?give

 it.? And he?s like ?make me.? And I?m like ?k.? So I grabbed his leg and

 he grabbed my oesophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my

 eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a valonic irrigation

 yes indeed you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all the

 phone got knocked off the hook, and twenty seconds later I heard a

 familiar voice, and you know what it said, I?ll tell you what it said, it

 said, ?if you?d like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you

 need help hang up and then dial you?re operator. If you?d like to make a

 call, please hang up and try again. If you need help hang up and then dial

 you?re operator. In A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Well

 to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn

 vow right then and there that I would rest, I would not sleep for an

 instant until the one-nostriled man was brought to justice. But first I

 decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car and drove over to the donut

 shop and I walked right up to the guy behind the counter and he says ?yah,

 I said, ? you got any glazed donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of

 glazed donuts.? I said, ?well you got any jelly donuts?? He said, ?naaa

 were all out of jelly donuts.? I said, ?you got any Bavarian cream-filled

 donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts.? I

 said, ?you got any cinnamon rolls?? He said, ?naaa were all out of

 cinnamon rolls.? I said, ?you got any apple fritters!?? He said, ?naaa

 were out of apple fritters.? I said, ?you got any bear claws!!?? He said,

?wait a minute, I?ll go check.

 Naaa were out of bear claws.? I said, ?well in that case, in that case

 hands over the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they

 immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over ayiyi

 yiyiyiyi. Oh, oh man they were just going nuts! Their terin? me apart. You

 know I think it was just about that time that little ditty started goin?

 through my head. I believe it went a little something like this.

 ?Doooohgetemoffmegettemoffmeooogetemoffgettemoffoooohgetoooohgeooohoooahhh

hohhhiahhooohahahahhhohhhhh!? I ran out onto the street with these flesh

 eating weasels all over my face, waiving my arms all around and just

 runnin? and runnin? and runnin? like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck

 would have it, that?s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams, her

 name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite

 and hair the colour of strange peaches. I?ll never forget the very first

 thing she said to me, she said, ?hey, you got weasels on your face.?

 That?s when I knew it was true love, we were inseparable after that, oh we

ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-

 flavoured dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married and

 we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and

 Superfly. Oh we were so very very very happy, oh ya. But then one fateful

night Zelda said to me, she said, ?Sweetie-pumpkin, do you want to join

 the Columbia Record Club?? I said, ?Wooooah hold on now baby, I?m

 just not ready for that kind of a commitment.? So we broke up and I never

 saw her again but that?s just the way things go, . In A -

 lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque!

 Anyway then things really started looking up for me, because about a week

 later I finally achieved my life-long dream. That?s right I got me a part

 time job at the ?Sizzler.? I even made employee-of-the-month after I put

 out that grease-fire with my face. Oh ya everyone was pretty jealous of me

after that. I was getting lota attitude. OK like one time, I was out in

 the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when

 I see this guy Marty tryin? to carry a big old sofa up the stairs all by

 himself. So I-I say to him, I say, ?hey, you want me to help you with

 that? And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes, ?nooooo I want you to cut

 off my arms and legs with a chain saw.? So I did. And then he gets all

 indignant on me, he?s like, ?hey mad I was just being sarcastic.? Well

 that?s just great, how was I supposed to know that? I?m not a mind reader

 for crying out loud. Besides now he?s got a really cute nickname ?Torso

what?s he complaining about? Say that reminds me of another amusing

 anecdote; this guy comes up to me on the street and tells me he hasn?t had

 a bite in three days. Well I knew what he meant but just to be funny I

 took a big bite out of his jugular vein, and he?s yelling and screaming

 and bleeding all over and I?m like, ?hey come on don?t you get it?? But he

 just kept rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming, YAHHHH!

 OHHHH! AHHHH! And I?m completely missing the irony of the whole situation,

man some people just can?t take a joke you know? Anyway, um? um? where was

 I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Oh, uh, well oh okay anyway I know it?s

 a roundabout way of saying it but I guess the whole point I?m trying to

 make is, I, HATE, SAURKROUT! That?s all I?m really trying to say, and by

 the way if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an

 exsulstential quandary full of woeing and self doubt and wrapped with the

 pain and isolation of you?re pitiful meaningless existence, at least even

 take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this

 crazy old mixed up universe of ours, there?s still a little place, called

A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque,

 Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,

 Albuquerque, I say A, A, L, L, B, B, U, U? QUERQUE! QUERQUE!

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,

Albuquerque, Albuquerque,

(Belch)

I'm sorry but the last part I couldn't do because it goes too fast and my fingers are sore.

So just play a bunch of notes scaling from the 20th fret to the 1st on the D string and play that

awkward chord with lots of electronic phony stuff attached to it.

Comments, Questions or maybe even Changes (which I highly doubt) send em to