Standard (EADGBE)

 Hello

 Welcome to my show

 I'm glad that you could come

 We're gonna have a hoot

 We're gonna have some fun

 [notes – ]

 Sit back

 Put your feet up and relax

 I hope you've had a drink or three

 The more you've drunk

 The better I’ll ever be

 And if you have a mobile phone

 Please turn it off

 Thank you

 And if you have Tourette's syndrome

 Just do whatever it is you people do

 And if you are offended by strong language or blasphemy

Maybe you should chuff off home

 Cos it's only gonna get worse

Only gonna get worse

Only gonna get worse

 From now on

…………c**t

 [notes – ]

My name is Tim

I write funny songs and sing

And if you don't think funny songs are funny

 Well I respect your right

 To think exactly what you like

 But you're sure as shit not getting back your money

 And if you write for a newspaper I'd just like to say

 That I read your publication every single day

  ø

And I agree with absolutely everything you say

  ø/

I think you're the most perspicacious and delightful, eloquent, insightful writer

Writing on the subject of the arts

But if you write a bad review

  ø/

I promise you I'll come round to your house

And lay turds in all your potted indoor plants

 I'll lay turds!

 In all your plants!

 Your indoor plants!

Your potted indoor plants!

 Hello

 Welcome to my show

 I'm glad you all could come

 It's time for a little audience participation

 Sing, "Yeah!" (Yeah!)

 Sing, "Yeah!" (Yeah!)

 Sing, "Yeah yeah yeah!" (Yeah yeah yeah!)

 Sing, "Ooo yeah!" (Ooo yeah!)

 Sing, "I am an audience member!" (I am an audience member!)

"Why are you making me sing?" (Why are you making me sing?)

"You self indulgent wanker!" (You self indulgent wanker!)

 "Just get on with the fucking show!" (Just get on with the fucking show!)

......