Standard (EADGBE)

Intro

x2

Verse 1

Sid Vicious played a four-string Fender bass guitar and couldn’t sing

And everybody hated him except the ones who loved him

A ukulele has four strings, but Sid did not play ukulele

He did smack and probably killed his girlfriend Nancy Spungen

Verse 2

If only Sid had had a ukulele, maybe he could have been happy

Maybe he would not have suffered such a sad end

He maybe would have not done all that heroin instead

He maybe would’ve sat around just singing nice songs to his girlfriend

Chorus

So play your favorite cover song, especially if the words are wrong

Cos even if your grades are bad, it doesn’t mean you’re failing

Do your homework with a fork and eat your fruit loops in the dark

And bring your etch-a-sketch to work and play your ukulele

Bridge

Ukulele small and forceful, ukulele, brave and peaceful

You can play the ukulele too it is painfully simple

Play your ukulele badly, play your ukulele loudly

Ukulele banish evil, ukulele save the people,

Ukulele gleaming golden on the top of every steeple

Verse 3

Lizzie borden took an axe, and gave her mother forty whacks

Then gave her father forty-one, and left a tragic puzzle

If only they had given her an instrument, those puritans

Had lost the plot completely, see what happens when you muzzle

Verse 4

A person’s creativity and do not let them sing and scream

And nowadays it’s worse ‘cause kids have automatic handguns

It takes about an hour to teach someone to play the ukulele

About same to teach someone to build a standard pipe bomb you do the math(s)

Chorus

Bridge

Ukulele, thing of wonder, ukulele, wand of thunder

You can play the ukulele too in London and down under

Play Joan Jett, and play Jacques Brel and Eminem and Neutral Milk Ho-

Tell the children crush the hatred, play your ukulele naked

If anybody tries to steal your ukulele, let them take it

Verse 5

Imagine there’s no music, imagine there are no songs

Imagine that John Lennon wasn’t shot in front of his apartment

Now imagine if John Lennon had composed “Imagine” for the ukulele

Maybe people would have truly got the message

Verse 6

You may think my approach is simple-minded and naïve

Like if you want to change the world then why not quit and feed the hungry

But people for millennia have needed music to survive

And that’s why I’ve promised John that I will not feel guilty

Verse 7

So play your favorite Beatles song and make the subway fall in love

They’re only $19.95, that isn’t lots of money

Play until the sun comes up and play until your fingers suffer

Play LCD Soundsystem songs on your ukulele

Verse 8

Quit the bitching on your blog and stop pretending art is hard

Just limit yourself to three chords and do not practice daily

You’ll minimize some stranger’s sadness with a piece of wood and plastic

Holy fuck it’s so fantastic, playing ukulele

Verse 9

Eat your homework with a fork and do your fruit loops in the dark

And bring your etch-a-sketch to work, your flask of jack, your vibrator

your fear of heights, your nikon lens

Verse 10

Your mom and dad, your disco stick, your soundtrack from “Karate Kid”

Your ginsu knives, your rosary, your new Rebecca Black CD

Your favorite room, your bowie knife, your stuffed giraffe, your new glass eye

Your sousaphone, your breakfast tea, your Nick Drake tapes, your giving tree

Your ice cream truck, your missing wife, your will to live, your urge to cry

Remember we’re all going to die so play your ukulele